Hello, and welcome to HMO America where your health maintenance is our number one concern.
Your call is important to us, so please do not hang up.
If you think you have a life or limb-threatening emergency, and need to go to the hospital before the end of this message, do so now.
Remember, however, that if HMO America determines in hindsight that you did not have a life or limb-threatening emergency, you will be responsible for all of the hospital and physician charges which could run into several thousand dollars.
Please select from one of the following options:
☎ If you are having head pain, press one now.
☎ If you are having chest pain, press two now.
☎ If you are having abdominal pain, press three now.
☎ If you do not know where the pain is located, press five now.
Incidentally, if you are still using a rotary phone, you are going to die!
Thank you for calling HMO America, where we manage your healthcare so your physicians don't have to!